How To Please A Woman Warm her up first. She’s not a lawn mower that you can just turn on and off with the push of a lever. Touch her gently - she’s a delicate flower. But not too gently - she wants a confident man, not a timid boy. Give her a masculine squeeze. But not too hard, you’ll hurt her. After a while, she’ll be warmed up. This can take anywhere from 30 sec. to 15 min., depending on the woman and the situation. Read her mind to determine when she’s ready. Now you can move your fingers down south. But some women don’t like that, in which case you should use your tongue instead. But this maneuver might make her terribly self-conscious, in which case you’ll ruin everything. Read her mind to determine which course of action to pursue. Now, if using your fingers, read her mind to determine how many fingers to utilize. The preferred number is different for each woman, though getting this wrong can be catastrophic. Gently caress her. But don’t be too gentle, you’ll bore her. But don’t be too rough, you’ll hurt her. Alternate clitoral caressing and penetration with a frequency determined by Schrodinger in the 1942 Vienna experiments. If using your tongue, follow the above steps with the obvious alterations. Eventually, she’ll be sufficiently lubed for you to penetrate her with your penis. When penetrating her, start with gentle, slow thrusts. But not too gentle and slow. Remember, a woman isn’t stimulated as easily as is a man. Generate some significant friction. But not too much friction. This isn’t a porno, and you don’t need a hospital bill. Gradually increase your frequency of thrusting. Read your woman’s mind to determine the preferred acceleration. Remember, this is rocket science. Magically bend your penis upward at a 45 degree angle to stimulate the G spot. IMPORTANT: Do not finish before her. This means that you’ll have to enjoy the stimulation as little as possible until she’s climaxed. You’ll find that, if you’re good at this, you will be able to essentially numb your own pelvic sensations. After she’s climaxed, and now that you’re good and numb to the sensations, you’ll have to (by some physiological miracle) enjoy the stimulation again so as to finish yourself. You must finish. Remember, if she doesn’t climax, it’s your fault, and if you don’t climax, it’s your fault. How To Please A Man Touch his dick. Edit: Post is not meant to be pejorative toward women. It’s just a joke (hence, “r/funny”). Obviously, it’s not a woman’s fault that her body is more intricate. And obviously communication is the key to solving the age-old puzzle of Schrodinger’s pussy cat.

handfu1ofdust: Although New Zealand has a long list of banned baby names, “Number 16 Bus Shelter” is, apparently, A-OK. What about Bus Shelters Numbered 1-15? And where are the diamonds? (via handfu1ofdust-deactivated201201)